So I have clearly been a horrible excuse for a blogger since before my big move. Oh well.
If I remember correctly, I last wrote about our attempt at a medicated cycle. Well, I think I allowed my hopes to get too high with that (I’m on medicine and injections!!! — certainly, I will get pregnant!). First, I saw a very faint, but very real second line on what I now know to be a generic Wondfo HPT. This was the day before my beta. On the morning of the beta, no line. And of course, my beta came back negative. “You should stop your Predisone and Prometrium, and you should get your period in a couple days,” the nurse coolly explained to me over the phone.
Fine. So I got my period in the middle of our cross-country move (which was just icing on the cake), and I still have my damn sharps container hiding somewhere in the house, away from the eyes of visitors.
I went to see a new RE here in our new city, and we benched ourselves for another cycle of testing. All the additional tests – including an endometrial biopsy, a semen analysis on my husband, and additional autoimmune and blood clotting factors – came back superb, as usual. No fucking answers. My new RE, who is a self-proclaimed specialist in recurrent pregnancy loss, sees no reason to have me attempt medicated cycles right now. And she has officially diagnosed my case as “unexplained.” And gives me a 68% chance of having a successful pregnancy.
None of this is comforting, as anyone with unexplained RPL knows.
Anyway, I am now in the dreadful two week wait on my second non-medicated cycle since then. I am only supplementing with baby Aspirin throughout my cycle, and Crinone (vaginally delivered progesterone cream) starting after ovulation. Unfortunately, I seem to be experiencing a lot of side effects with the Crinone, and I hate it. I’ve been crying at the drop of a pin, I have to pee every ten minutes, and my nose is super powered. Let me tell you, it’s pure joy to experience freaking pregnancy symptoms when you’re not actually pregnant.
It’s also so much fun to be going through all of this shit when you’re stuck sitting face to face with your husband’s cousin’s pregnant girlfriend at a family Christmas get-together. With everyone fawning over her belly and blah blah blah. Oh yeah, and her due date is just a week after that of your last loss. But I’m not bitter or anything.
It’s so hard to remain positive right now. Trust me, I am trying. I give myself pep talks throughout the day. I try to ignore the fear that lingers in the corner of my mind and will come to full force upon another positive pregnancy test. The horrible, soul-crushing wait for the dreaded 6 week ultrasound. I sometimes wonder if I’m going insane. Or at the very least, if it’s time to go back to a psychiatrist and get some prescriptions. I thought these feelings would get more manageable as time went on, but I find them getting more and more oppressive.
Anyway. Time for positivity in the form of gifs:
Holding Out Hope 